Giving Up For Lent: SHOULD

"inscence purple" CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 by Leanne1985. Source: Flickr

            I once heard a colleague joke: "Don't SHOULD on me!" Aside from the play on words, she had a good point: she did not want to be told what she SHOULD do.

            I think that's a common sentiment. *Should* as a modal verb can be a hard statement. In my experience, when someone starts a sentence with "You know what you should do?" I am tempted to reply with "Yes. Thank you" - just to see the reaction. Because despite good intentions, *should* is often being used a directive. This may come without previous discourse to a situation, with ingrained entitlement and superiority. The should-er likely means well, and believes their suggestion to be the best way to move forward.

            However, the listener may feel dismissed, ignored, and dictated to.  If the advice being given is unsolicited, the sense of obligation or expectation can be offensive. It may be coming without a full understanding or appreciation of the circumstance and emotion behind the situation. "You should pray more" may be overly intimidating for someone new to the practice.  At it's best, it reminds us of a negative, of what is not presently being done: "You should go to the gym" to a person feeling a bit down can have the opposite effect of an imminent workout.

            If a *should* conversation is overheard  by others, then the power of the *should* can even be amplified: "You should have listened to so-and-so" only serves to rub salt in a wound were advice to be ignored to negative impact. And, we need to be mindful that sometimes a *should* conversation is entirely with ourselves; we can be experts at beating ourselves up with our own expectations - for whatever reasons and rationales.

            So this Lent, I'm giving up (among other things) the SHOULD. I hope to find other ways to communicate: to listen as a primary, and ask the other person if they are wanting advice before offering it; to offer suggestions, not directives ("have you considered doing X instead of Y") to convey my suggestion without the emotional baggage of a *should*; to be more aware of what emotions and values the issue touches on ("You should have a salad instead of nachos" can cut deeply if someone is feeling insecure about their weight).

            It goes on: but I shall not. Instead, I will do what I can to not SHOULD on anyone this Lent - and ideally beyond! And I hope that no one will SHOULD on me - or if they do, that I will have the grace to hear the intention with kindness.