It's (not) Okay!

            While a phrase of many contexts, one use of "it's okay" really bothers me. This is when someone has been asked to respect a boundary, and uses it as a justification of their (perceived) entitlement to disrespect said boundary.

            An example from this week, a tourist approaching my dogs to pet them despite my asking her not to (the boys had been clear in their communication that they wanted to be left alone). But the tourist repeated "It's okay!" as she continued approaching. It took 3 times of my telling her it was NOT okay before she rejoined her tour group (with some uncomplimentary comments about myself).

            She had felt entitled to pet my dogs because she wanted to; and felt that her desire justified rejecting my refusal.

            Now, I understand the desire: my dogs are beautiful, and petting them is amazing; we get several requests each week. And I have been the person while traveling who has asked others if I might pet their dog.

            However: respect in the appropriate place needs to be understood and respected. Saying "it's okay" does not override the articulated boundary. The boundaries are there for a reason; comfort levels, safety issues, agency, etc.

            In the case of my dogs, this woman didn't know if they were healthy, trained, friendly; she just felt entitled to pet a cute (old) puppy. But she did not have the right to; and I did not need to explain to her my rationale - "it's okay" was in fact not okay. In reality, what it conveyed was that this woman not only disrespected my decision, she disrespected me. Her immediate wish was more important than my experience and discernment. Her preference was, in her opinion, more significant than anything I had to offer. Her arrogant assessment of "it's okay" suggested that she was to maintain all authority and power - over me, my dogs, the situation, and anything else she wanted.

            This slippery slope can, is we're not attentive, transcend into all areas of our lives, our communities, our churches. Yet we have the ability to be intentional about choosing to engage in healthy relationships where respect is paramount. It means not always getting our way, but trusting that the best or right thing is happening. It gives us the chance to respond to others with dignity and appreciation. We should ask and not presume; and if we don't understand why we've been denied something we may begin a conversation and dialogue about that thing, not disrespect the other with a dismissive "it's okay."

            It's okay to ask questions, and to ask permissions. It's okay to be granted or denied those permissions. What's not okay is to overstep boundaries, disrespect our brothers and sisters in Christ, and presume that we are entitled to whatever it is we want. And it's okay, when we are being asked, to establish boundaries that keep us feeling healthy and safe.

            It's okay to love one another, and to respect our boundaries. It's okay to keep our focus on building mutual respect and relationship from the practice of hearing, listening, and responding appropriately.